My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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