If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
