just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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