im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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