I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
