happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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