So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize