update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
