So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
