I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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