Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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