Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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