ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
what day is it and did you see me today?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
