I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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