I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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