just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
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