Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
