he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize