Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
