He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
