It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
