i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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