Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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