I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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