i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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