I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
