We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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