I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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