Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
