Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
