I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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