i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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