Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
