I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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