soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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