You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
