Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I deserve to be covered in dicks
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
