The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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