I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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