fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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