i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
he high fived his dick after we had sex
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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