Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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