Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize