my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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