I'm jealous of your bromance
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
