I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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