I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
