Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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