I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
