This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
