Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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