Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
