i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
