I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
