you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
