She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
