Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
