im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
