It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
