there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
