I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
