so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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