sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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