so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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